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Monologue Jokes – August 15, 2013
1. Former Illinois congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. was sentenced on Wednesday to 2 1/2 years in prison for misuse of campaign funds. But don’t worry Jesse, I’m pretty sure you can’t disgrace that name...
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October 7, 2013 – Monologue Jokes
1. On Friday, CNN reported that Susan Bennett, a voice-over actress from Atlanta, is the voice behind Apple’s Siri. Voice-over actress, huh? So I guess, just like Siri, Susan rarely works as well. 2....
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October 17, 2013 – Monologue Jokes
1. Yesterday, in an interview with CNN, actor Robert Redford said bigotry, fear of change and a determination to personally destroy President Obama have paralyzed the government and women and young...
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December 5, 2013 – Monologue Jokes
1. Former Vice President Dick Cheney said Tuesday he was taken aback when his daughter Mary and her wife took to social media to rail against his other daughter Liz’s stance on same-sex marriage....
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December 9, 2013 – Monologue Jokes
1. Willie Nelson is the latest act to cancel a concert at Orlando’s SeaWorld in the wake of the animal abuse documentary “Blackfish.” But, there’s still a good chance that Willie forgets and shows up...
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January 17, 2014 – Monologue Jokes
1. On Wednesday, Republican Senator Rand Paul joined Snapchat, the photo sharing app that allows users to send pictures and video to each other that disappear shortly after being viewed. “What was the...
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July 11, 2014 – Monologue Jokes
1. A new report shows that CNN is the most trustworthy news source, reporting the news correctly 83% of the time. While the least trustworthy news source is whoever conducted that report. 2. This...
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August 22, 2014 – Monologue Jokes
1. Malaysian police have charged two people with the theft of $35,000 from the bank accounts of four passengers who went missing on Malaysia Airlines Flight 370. Or, as CNN reported it, “Breaking News...
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September 26, 2014 – Monologue Jokes
1. Two people are suing Madison Square Garden for allegedly over-serving them at a recent Billy Joel concert. When he heard the news, Joel, out of habit, exclaimed, “I wasn’t the one driving, I swear!”...
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October 31, 2014 – Monologue Jokes
1. On Wednesday, a Florida man broke the record for the biggest and most expensive Starbucks drink by ordering a 101-shot latte that cost him $83.75. Even more impressive, he set the same record in...
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January 6, 2015 – Monologue Jokes
1. New Orleans Saints linebacker Junior Galette was arrested on Monday on a misdemeanor charge of domestic battery. Galette said he didn’t want to get arrested for hitting his girlfriend but it was...
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January 28, 2015 – Monologue Jokes
1. President Obama told CNN the type of small drone that crashed on the White House grounds on Monday is available at Radio Shack which illustrates the need for more restrictions over the new...
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March 16, 2015 – Monologue Jokes
1. The Milwaukee Brewers have banned their players from high-fifing each other to prevent the spread of a pink-eye outbreak. Despite appearances, the New York Mets haven’t banned high fives, they just...
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March 25, 2015 – Monologue Jokes (Ted Cruz edition)
1. On Monday, Texas Senator Ted Cruz gave a speech at Liberty University announcing his intentions to run for president, a speech that students were required to attend. Because nothing says liberty...
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June 15, 2015 – Monologue Jokes
1. The mother of Rachel Dolezal, the head of Spokane, Washington’s chapter of the NAACP, claims that her daughter is lying about being black, noting that Rachel’s Montana birth certificate says she was...
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June 30, 2015 – Monologue Jokes
1. Yesterday, NBC cut ties with Donald Trump and his Miss USA and Miss Universe pageants in the wake of the billionaire’s controversial comments about Mexicans. Which is bad news for Trump and even...
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July 7, 2015 – Monologue Jokes
1. Over the weekend, singer Billy Joel, 66, married long-time girlfriend, Alexis Roderick, 34. Said Joel, “I’m at a stage in my life where I want to settle down and have a permanent designated driver.”...
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August 7, 2015 – Monologue Jokes
1. Yesterday, the National Weather Service predicted a below-average 2015 hurricane season. So George W. Bush will just have to find a new way to not care about black people. 2. Actors Jennifer Aniston...
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August 24, 2015 – Monologue Jokes
1. Apple is recalling a batch of iPhone 6 Plus smartphones that are taking blurry photos. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, they look fine to me,” said Billy Joel. 2. Kentucky’s Republican Party...
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September 2, 2015 – Monologue Jokes
1. CNN is amending the criteria for its upcoming Republican presidential debate, possibly opening the door for Carly Florin to join the top-tier candidates on stage. “That’s great news,” said Donald...
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